Our friends Adele and Joe very kindly passed us complimentary tickets to the Jason Mraz concert yesterday. To be honest, I don’t know many Jason Mraz songs apart from the ones that get a lot of airplay. But K and I were happy to have a different kind of date night from the ones we’re usually used to, and it meant seeing part of the newly opened Gardens By the Bay so we were very grateful.

Thinking that parking would be both expensive and scarce in the Marina Bay area especially with the concert and gardens’ opening, we decided to take public transport. We took a slow stroll from the Singapore Flyer all the way to the gardens, cutting through Marina Bay Sands. The lift going up to the deck that crosses the East Coast Parkway to the gardens was very slow so we climbed up five or six storeys’ worth of stairs to beat the queue and then continued our trek to the concert proper.

We stopped en route to take pictures of the Supertrees. So pretty!

By the time we got there, the concert was already in full swing. We were actually fairly close to the stage – closer than the people who were sitting on the slope, at any rate. I didn’t know any of the songs apart from I’m Yours and Lucky, but it didn’t matter. The music was good and Mraz’s singing was practically flawless.

On the big screen.

After standing for a while, K and I decided to hunt down a drink. We ended up sitting on a grassy knoll behind the stage, where we could still hear the music very clearly even though we couldn’t see anything. I have to say this was my favourite part of the evening, since I can’t remember the last time I sat down on grass with my shoes off and a cider in hand. And it was nice just to spend some time hanging out and enjoying the cool night breeze with my most favourite person.

Yay for the G12's swiveling capability.

We left early and reached Bayfront MRT just as I’m Yours started, near the end of the set. Thankfully, we did, because my friend June said that crowd control was bad and it was a penguin march from the Meadow to the MRT after the concert ended. We really must go back and see the gardens by day – when the furore over its opening has quiet down, for sure.

Thank you, Adele and Joe!

The government is suddenly “reviewing marriage and parenthood policies” as reported in this article in TODAY. For the Wee family, at least, it’s too little too late. With two children aged 10 and 6, we are very comfortable with our family dynamic and K and I enjoy the fact that we can go out on dates or steal away for getaways without worrying about the kids. I think the window for us to have any more children has passed, unless the good Lord sees fit to bless.

Nevertheless, let me break down all the reasons why we don’t want to add to our family, beyond the fact that we have already replaced ourselves by having two children.

Insurance
We had no idea that Zoe would be born with a hole in the heart, a missing left thumb, two right thumbs that would require fusing through surgery, and a hemi-vertebra which could lead to scoliosis later in life. None of these was picked up during detailed or routine ultrasounds.Not expecting to be presented with a child with birth defects, we did not get her insured the moment she was born and even if we had, it’s likely that the insurers would not cover these defects because they are considered congenital. We paid for all her surgeries, hospitalisations, drugs and doctors’ consultations ourselves, either with cash or Medisave funds. Healthcare in Singapore is considered “affordable”, but it is by no means cheap. The consultation with the cardiologist who diagnosed Zoe’s hole in the heart was S$900 – we went to a private specialist because our paediatrician considered it very urgent and opting for subsidised healthcare would mean waiting weeks or even months for a first consultation. A tiny dose of IVIG given to Zoe when she had Kawasaki Disease was S$2,000, not forgetting the cost of a 7-day hospital stay and numerous tests. Over time, it adds up.

Last year, we finally managed to get Zoe hospitalisation insurance, but it predictably excludes her heart. Which means that we (and she, when she is old enough to take care of herself) must ensure that she is as heart-healthy as possible, in an age and society where chronic disease is a fact of life.

I would like to see insurance extended to ALL babies regardless of their health status when they are born, by law. This will not only give new parents the assurance that their babies will receive the appropriate medical care where necessary without them overextending themselves financially, it will also give parents of disabled and sick children more incentive to add to their family.

Education
Frankly, the education system in Singapore is ridiculous. I don’t understand why school teachers expect students to have tuition when they are supposed to be teaching all that is needed to be taught during the 5-6 hours that children are at school daily. Also, why are they trying to challenge children so hard by cramming their heads full of academic information earlier than they need to learn them? Alison does brilliantly in English and quite well in Science. She is poor in Math and Chinese. However, all four of these subjects will be given equal weightage in the Primary School Leaving Examination, which she will sit in 2014. It’s only going to get harder in the next two years. Alison is a bright child – just not in the ways that the Ministry of Education and the government thinks are important for Singapore. This comic sums up the one-size-fits-all approach that is the education system perfectly:

Alison has to be tutored in Math and Chinese, once a week for each subject. However, her tutors have been saying that I should consider increasing the frequency to twice a week for each subject because she is not improving as fast as she should. This means that she will most likely not have any day of the week free from school-related activity, except Sunday. This is not my idea of an ideal childhood.

As for Zoe, her kindergarten teachers are very concerned about her poor facility with Chinese. We can’t help it, we tell them, we simply don’t speak Chinese at home and even if we do, it’s not quality Chinese. Zoe attends Chinese Kumon class and we’ve recently started airing Chinese cartoons at home, but I doubt it’s enough to bring her standard up to the level expected in primary school.

I agree with Prof Paulin Straughan when she suggested that the fertility rate might improve by doing away with streaming and the PSLE, and revamping the education system entirely. Our children need time to grow, play and do all the things that children need to do in order to develop into healthy, well-rounded individuals. If all they do is bury their heads in books from age 7 to 21 and compete with one another to see who can score better marks in exams, we can hardly expect them to know what real life is about until they are thrown into it – sometimes with disastrous results. There is more to life than studying, and I am sad that my children are being prevented from discovering that it is so. I won’t bring another child into this world to have them go through what Alison and Zoe have to go through at school.

Money
I’ve talked a bit about money under the insurance section, but let’s look at just how much it costs to raise a child according to the standards required by the Ministry of Education. This is how much we pay for Alison and Zoe’s Math and Chinese classes every month:

Math tuition once a week for Alison – S$240
Chinese tuition once a week for Alison – S$220
Kumon Math and Chinese twice a week for Zoe – S$240

Keep in mind that Alison’s tutors have been pushing for her to be tutored twice weekly, which would double the amount we pay for her tuition each month. And it’s doubtful that Kumon will be adequate for Zoe’s needs when she enters Primary 1 next year.

Isn’t it ironic that we pay so little for a formal education, and so much for tuition? As the children are Singapore Citizens, we pay only S$5.50 a month in miscellaneous fees. I would gladly pay more if it would mean improving the method and content of the curriculum in school to eliminate tuition altogether.

Time
I’ve calculated that I spend less than two hours a day with the children on weekdays. Alison rushes off to school before I wake up, and both girls go to bed at 9pm so that they can get at least nine hours of sleep a day. I get home from work after 7pm, and by the time I finish having my dinner, it’s nearly 8pm. That means each girl gets an average of half an hour with me – not that I divide the time, since we spend it mostly by playing board games or chatting. But the logic is there – more children, less time for each one.

I have 21 days of leave in a year, which I hoard jealously so that I can take it during months when the children have their school holidays. Subject to approval from my boss, of course. I also have three working days of family care leave a year, because Zoe is under 12. After Zoe turns 7 next year, I will lose the enhanced child care leave that I am entitled to. I would argue that the enhanced child care leave should be extended until a child is 12, same as family care leave so that parents don’t have to eat into their annual leave if they have to care for a sick child at home.

I would also like to see more family-friendly attitudes from employers. In Singapore, it’s  considered perfectly natural for a prospective employer to interrogate you about your childcare arrangements and follow up with, “So your children won’t be a problem if you join us?” In the United States, this is tantamount to discrimination, yet it’s par for the course in this country. It should be outlawed, along with the question, “So are you planning to have kids anytime soon?” which is often posed to childless married women.

Personal preference
I am the eldest of four children. My parents didn’t seem to have much time for us, and “sharing” was always the keyword when it came to material things. Because of this, I decided that when the time came to have children of my own, they would not be so numerous as to always necessitate sharing of resources.  I would have been perfectly happy to stop at one child, but K likes children and we thought that Alison might be lonely and would benefit from having a sibling. So Zoe came along.

We’re pretty sure we’re done with having children, but there are still plenty of people out there who can be encouraged to have kids if the conditions are right. It’s time for the government to admit that there is much to be done. And maybe, just maybe, people like me might be convinced to get back into the baby game.

Today was one of those Saturdays where we spent most of the day together as a family instead of rushing to and fro for individual activities.

Over lunch the other day, a colleague asked if I have plans to take the girls to see the Harry Potter exhibition at the ArtScience Museum. They were surprised to hear that I have not allowed Alison and Zoe to read the Harry Potter books or watch the movies. I said that I didn’t think it was necessary for the girls to be exposed to Harry Potter because 1) the books are poorly written and there are plenty of better books to read; and 2) I don’t want to expose the kids unnecessarily to black magic of the kind that is glorified by JK Rowling in her books. My colleague was further surprised by this because she thought that Harry Potter is based on “mythology” and not “black magic”. There is a fundamental difference between the two, and black magic is not a myth. You can read more about Harry Potter and black magic in this Christian Answers article.

Anyway, this post is not about how I decide what media to let the girls consume, or our family’s religious beliefs. It’s about whether I’m overprotective of the kids. A few things of late have led to me question whether I am cocooning the girls too much.

First, Alison has been asking to be allowed to walk to school on her own. I keep saying no because although the school is only a 10-minute walk away, getting there on foot involves crossing several main roads with no traffic lights. I don’t want to risk Alison being hit by a car. Also, just two streets away from us is a short strip of night clubs with hostesses hanging around outside. God forbid she be propositioned by a sleazebag on the way home from school in the evening! So, no walking to school for now, although I told K some weeks ago that I may consider it next year when she’s 11.

Next, I am reluctant to let the girls go to the nearby playground on their own. Many kids there are unsupervised by their parents, but I prefer that the girls be accompanied by an adult. I’m not worried about them hurting themselves at the playground, but more about whether they will encounter strangers who may have sinister intentions. They know about inappropriate touch and not to accept food and drinks from strangers, but I still can’t help worrying. However, Alison has been allowed to cycle to the nearby mamak shop to buy bread and soft drinks – she just has to cross the road in front of our house to get to the shop. I’m working on being less worried when she does this.

Third, I am illogically fearful that Zoe will lose a finger when she’s out cycling. She is a terror on the bike and although she is properly suited up with helmet, gloves and pads when she’s on the track, I still fret about the possibility of her falling and breaking one of her nine precious digits. The odds of her breaking an arm are a lot higher than a single finger, but every one of those nine fingers is all the more precious because one is missing. So I keep nagging at K to make sure she rides safely when he takes her to the track. Thankfully, he knows that I do it because I’m paranoid about her getting into scrapes and not because I don’t trust him to look out for her.

Considering that I don’t coddle the girls in any other way, this overprotectiveness is quite uncharacteristic of me. I know that eventually, I’m going to have to let go and just trust that the girls’ guardian angels will keep them safe. It’s just so so hard to even take that first step to letting them be a bit more independent! I guess this is why they say that children, no matter how grown up they are, will always be babies in their mothers’ eyes. I think my babies can wait a bit more to read and watch Harry Potter, walk to school and go to the playground unaccompanied.