Growing up entitled.
When I was a girl, my parents never bought me anything. At least, that’s how it felt whenever I asked them to buy something cool that all my other friends had. My mother would lecture me about “being easily influenced”, and say that I did not have a good enough reason to justify the purchase of that particular item I was after. I used to resent this deeply.
Until recently, that is. I have come to the realisation that although my parents seemed stingy and draconian in denying me my hankerings, they were actually parenting me right. When I had Alison, I promised myself that I would give her everything that she asked for that was reasonable and that was within my ability to give her, because I did not want her to bear a grudge against me like I did against my parents while growing up. She has toys, books, clothes, expensive birthday parties, pricey enrichment classes, holidays overseas – practically everything a child could possibly want, in fact. When she doesn’t get these things, she flies into a sulk and does rude things like cover her face with her book or blanket when we talk to her, roll her eyes, and walk around in a miasma of bad temper.
She has a rich girl’s sense of entitlement that makes me grind my teeth in frustration at what I have done to make her what she is today. Although we are comfortably well-off, we are by no means Rockefellers and she should not go through life thinking that she is so. Toys and books are all very well and good now, but when she is a teenager or older, what will she be asking for? Birkin bags? A condominium apartment for her 21st birthday? A European luxury car? Pocket money even though she is fully capable of working for a salary? Even if we could afford to give her these things, hell will literally freeze over before I give them to her. Because although I have already made the mistake of giving her more than she needs as a child, I am not that stupid as to help her live life as an adult with things falling in her lap at the snap of her fingers.
The question now is, how can I repair the damage that has been done to her psyche? This morning, I grew so angry at her for asking me to order hot cakes from McDonald’s for her not because she wanted to eat them but because she wanted the Happy Meal toy, and sulking when I said I was buying food for breakfast, not toys, that I harangued her about her bad attitude for a good 15 minutes and finished by telling her that she was not to have a birthday party this year because she obviously did not deserve one. I can’t keep shouting at her every time she says or does something princess-y to piss me off, so I really need to find a way to nip this Richie Rich attitude in the bud. Big time.
May 30, 2010
4 responses to Growing up entitled.
My parents brought me up in a similar way like your parents did for you. My Mom was more soft-hearted but my Dad would lecture us if we asked for anything remotely branded. We did chores like washing the car, sweeping the floor etc to earn extra cash to buy the things that we wanted. We did get rewards for doing well in school but it was never used as a carrot for good results – only after the results came out that we might get something. Like you, I was always envious of my friends but then I appreciated it later on. Ironically, after we started working and understood the value of money and working, my parents have been showering us with gifts – not that we now need it.
I think it’s natural that parents want the best for their kids and to give them the best. It’s also the way kids get influenced by their friends at school and it’s a vicious cycle – she got something, I want it too. Why does her parent buy for her this but not you. I’m not sure how you totally reverse the situation, but she’s still quite young so it isn’t all too late. Perhaps the next time she asks for something, ask her to work for it whether it is to babysit her sister or do a good deed or something. If she gets upset, tell her, okay the other thing that I promised to give to you, is now gone. The moment she throws a tantrum or is rude, remove a current privilege. It sounds cruel and initially, she’ll probably get really resentful but I think she might eventually learn. And when she does it right, give her extra attention and love.
T’s parents were even more strict than mine. His parents although well to do, refused to buy for him his favorite cornflakes because it wasn’t on a coupon discount. He spent his time helping with the household chores and he paid for his college by working part time jobs. He did wished they weren’t so stingy with him but it actually did him good. He’s careful and frugal with his money, he doesn’t believe in spoiling his kids in future, I think it got him to where he was and he’s very independent. It’s hard to be harsh to your kid but think of the long term benefits and they will thank you in future. Good luck and hope it will work out fine
Wow, Jean, I love this post! It’s so insightful and interesting, especially for me as a relatively new parent. I am going to think twice now about giving my little ‘prince’ everything he wants. He’s already throwing tantrums and acting like a spoilt brat at times when he doesn’t get what he wants and I can’t imagine it getting any worse…
I think in your case, I would do try to teach Alison the value of money. Even if you can afford to do so, explain to her that you work very hard for your money and have commitments (she’s old enough to understand). Let her know that she can save up to buy what she wants (within reason) using her pocket money, but also remind her that she won’t have any savings for a rainy day if she spends it all!
Easier said than done I know, but she seems like a very intelligent girl, and I’m sure she’ll understand if you reason it out with her. Good luck and keep us posted
This is a very insightful entry and I actually have become a similar parent too — I try not to deny Clare things because I don’t want her wanting things because I sometimes feel there is an averse effect. I guess finding that balance is so difficult, isn’t it?
Fot me it boils down to what I choose to stinge or splurge on. I can never say no to good books. I draw the line at expensive toys like wii and nintendo etc and branded goods, though I’m kinda weak-knee-ed at Star Wars Lego (sigh!)
I allow them to use S$80 of their annual red packet haul on anything they like, and they “surrender” the balance to me for their bank savings. They can choose to spend it all at one go singly or pooled (they’ve learnt the value of pooling resources to get a bigger bang for their buck) or spread it out.
Anything else needs to be worked for, like extraordinary chores around the house: I don’t give money for regular chores (that’s a different lesson abt contributing time and effort to the place one calls home) and so far it’s worked (yes, there will be whining and procrastination but it gets done otherwise current privileges get withdrawn). Different strokes for different homes. You’ll figure out what works for your girls.