Wee Stories

The best and hardest word.

This year, K and I celebrate ten years of marriage. We’ve had more than our fair share of ups and downs, lefts and rights, rights and wrongs. When we got married, me at the tender age of 21 and he 29, our parents must have thought that we would be divorced within two years. After all, who would expect such an early marriage to last especially since I was very young and had barely made my way out into the world to see what life had to offer me, while K was a workaholic who spent more time pegging away at his computer than with me?

But here we are, still together, still loving each other. Oh, we still fight, but these days our arguments no longer consist of screaming and throwing things. Now we just stay silent and don’t talk to each other for a while, which affects both of us deeply because we talk to each other constantly, whether online or in person, and not to do it for even a couple of hours feels like something very big is missing. Then one or both of us will stretch out the olive branch and kiss and make up.

I’ve been reflecting on what it is that could possibly be the secret to staying happily married. After some mulling, I think I know. The secret is not so much the romance and song and dance that people always associate with a good relationship, but forgiveness. I was telling a friend that it took a long time for me to realise that it is a conscious choice to be angry and therefore it is something that you can control. Likewise, it is a conscious choice to forgive. But in order to do that, I have to swallow my pride and be willing to be the first to say I am sorry in a fight. It’s hard when you are in the wrong, and almost impossible to do so when you are not.

I can still remember the first time I felt that I should apologise for an argument – we were in the car speeding down the expressway, and I sat there looking out the window thinking, “Why should I say sorry when it’s his fault? He should be apologising to me first.” In the end, the angel on my shoulder won, and I managed to get those hard, hard words out. I was pleasantly surprised by K’s reaction. He squeezed my hand, smiled at me in that close-mouthed way of his which means that he’s not 100% OK with what happened right now but he will be in the next half-hour, and just like that, we were OK again.

After that first time, it wasn’t so difficult anymore, although I still have days where I feel like I shouldn’t have to always be the one to apologise. But they are few and far between, and I’ve noticed that K is also more willing to be first with the “sorry”, than he used to be. It’s really helped us move on a lot faster when we hit ruts. Who’d have thought eating humble pie would actually be healthy for your marriage? But there you have it – love may be the answer, but forgiveness is the key.

PS: I just found out that Erich Segal, author of Love Story and coiner of the phrase “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” has passed away. What a coincidence, considering the theme of this entry. Rest in peace, Mr Segal. Your novels were always such sappy entertainment.

20. January 2010 by Jean
Categories: Marriage | 4 comments